It all started a year ago. The persistent feeling of sadness, hopelessness, guilt, tiredness, anxiety and a lot more for 365 days is a lot to take. It consumes you from inside. Fighting constantly with my own self was a battle I had to fight every day and it felt like forever.
My friends and close ones always considered me to be a joyous and cheerful person whose smiling face could light up anyone’s day and a had deafening, maybe somewhat annoying laugh. I was living a pretty decent and healthy life, both on the personal as well as professional front. Everything was fine till something inside me snapped one fine day. I was utterly shattered after going through a heartbreak. It was hard to accept that the incident was even actual. Detaching from somethingin life that you are so used to is distressing. It upended everything I thought I knew at the time. I suffered a total mental breakdown and was shattered by the thought that my life would not be how I imagined it to be.
‘Even Doing Basic Things Felt Like A Task’
Things became worse with each passing day. I felt myself getting caught in a never-ending cycle of depression and anxiety. It became such a big deal for me to even concentrate on basic things like eating, bathing and doing other daily chores. I forgot to smile, stopped hanging out with friends and doing activities that I once used to enjoy. I started questioning myself. Clearly, I wasn’t normal.
For most part of the day, I would hide myself in my room and was too scared to talk to people, even my family. I wanted to be left alone. It was so bad that even waking up in the morning was a struggle itself and I often wished that the sun would never rise again. Sleep was my only escape as it kept me off for sometime from all the worldly miseries. Putting myself to sleep was not easy though and I would spend most of my nights screaming into my pillow, I would cry endlessly. But waking up the next day would bring me back to reality. I wanted to sleep a lot and never wake up again. The tear-jerking feeling and constant ache in my heart used to tear me apart, every day, every moment. It felt almost impossible to focus on anything, no matter how much effort I put to distract myself, and the worst part was I didn’t know the way out.
I knew I had hit the lowest point when one day I searched on the internet about the easiest ways to kill oneself. That was the only thing perhaps to put an end to this once for all, I thought. But something stopped me. The ‘faith in the Almighty’ and a little bit of strength left in me told me to hang on. Back then, I never told anyone about my depression fearing I woul be judged every now and then. Mental health issues are still considered taboo in conservative societies and even talking about it is out of the question, with people calling you crazy or insane, to say the least. Even your close ones at one point of time get tired of hearing you complain about it every time. You feel betrayed and helpless when there is no hearing ear. But over the period I learned that it is my own battle after all and vowed to fight it out. I gave myself the desired space to process for as long as I needed, as long as I felt better at least.
Knowing that something was definitely wrong with me, I decided to see a therapist. I described my situation to him and as a good doctor he assured me that things would get better with time. Soon I started taking the necessary treatment in the hope that someday I could see the old me once again. In the process, I developed eating disorders, where grabbing only a few bites would fill up my stomach, yet I started to gain weight. That was perhaps the side effect of medication. My sleeping patterns were not that great also. But slowly and gradually, the therapy started showing its effects and to my surprise, I began to feel better.
I believe anything is possible if you seek help before it’s too late. Yes, it’s possible to defeat the mental illness, just like you recover from other physical health issues. The process is sometimes tiring and long, but it certainly has an end. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to discover it. It’s very essential to listen to your inner self. When it starts giving you red flags, don’t ignore it. Listen and start addressing them before it’s too late.
During my journey, I always remembered that I am not alone, I had my faith with me and that was the only thing I leaned on. Today, I am in a much better space than where I was a year ago, I still have a long way to go but I can say that I’m definitely moving forward on the path of recovery. As there is a famous quote, “You don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared and anxious. Having feelings doesn’t make you a negative person. It makes you human.”
