Growing up with a queerphobic father, I was fed with a lot of wrong, prejudiced and discriminating information about the queer community and as a child I ate it all up. At first, I refused to accept that I could be gay and I concentrated on creating lies and situations to make myself believe that I am straight. It was a trying time as I started to plan out my ‘pretend life’ at what I thought would be every major point in the future. I began to ignore my physical and mental health. I was depressed. When I was in 12th, I began suffering from a lot of migraines. I would sometimes have anger bursts or mild panic attacks. I suffered a lot with bad thoughts and I blamed myself for making my life hard for myself.

College was a huge turning point. At BITS Goa, it is required to stay in hostels and though I did make friends, most of my time was spent in my room. Having a private space is good and I filled my time trying to entertain myself through a myriad of TV Shows and movies so that I would not have to introspect about anything. I became especially enamoured with a show called Brooklyn Nine-Nine. This sitcom featured a main character who was openly gay and it was very popular sitcom even among the students on campus. I was very confused, as what I was experiencing and what my father had told me was very different from one another.

Before I joined college, my mind was quite unstable. I was constantly overthinking and suffering from headaches and anxiety. Every time I came back home, it would be as if my mind was tied down tightly. But as I began researching about the LGBTQ+ community, my mind was slowly beginning to be at ease. The more I learned, the more blogs and videos I visited, it helped me understand everything through a new positive perspective. As I started to accept myself, I realised that I was now enjoying some parts of college life. I learnt that there was nothing abnormal in being queer, that I wasn’t broken. That made me stronger, and boosted my morale. At the end of my first year, my mind was stronger and I felt better.

I pretended to be straight with all my friends for the next two years. I was always stressed about my safety. By the end of my third year, I felt confident enough to tell my three closest friends. I decided to come out to them. They were all very supportive. One friend wasn’t really familiar with the LGBTQ+ community and he kept asking me all the doubts he had. Each of his questions made me happy as it showed that he wanted to learn. I was ecstatic and my mind was completely at ease knowing that I have three people supporting me for who I am. I felt very light, as if a rock had been lifted from my entire body.

One of my close friends suggested that I join the queer support group on the campus called Queeriousbits. I was hesitant to make any contact with the support group as a little part of me knew that I might drop the plan and pretend to be straight the moment I went back home, and perhaps for the rest of my life as well. But at this point, I was very optimistic due to my friends. So, I contacted Queeriousbits via Instagram. I got to meet other LGBTQ+ students and so many allies who were very supportive. The group is a safe space for any student and it gives me hope for the future. Hanging out with people who shared similar obstacles in the past, present and future gave me a sense of belonging. I had stopped pretending and that final block of stress was removed from my head. Mentally, I was floating peacefully.

The most fun I ever had occurred during the last few months of college. I never had any migraines or felt anxious at that time. I was back to my old self again which I had been trying to find for almost four years. However, college ended and I had to come back home. Shifting to my pretend personality was very hard. Knowing that I could never go back and be myself was almost impossible to accept. The transition caused headaches and I began to start wondering about the future. However, this time around my mind does not feel as tight as it used to feel at home. I have discovered hope by gaining knowledge, having good friends, meeting queer friends and allies and living a life where it was possible to be myself and be happy.