My Story: The Journey From Being Married To Being Separated Is Always A Mental Torture
March 18th, 2016
“I got married at the age of 26, which according to my parents, was late. It was an inter-caste love marriage but both our families were happy. The first month was pretty good. I was on cloud nine. Everything was moving forward like a dream. I came from a nuclear family, and being youngest, I was quite pampered. But suddenly, after marriage, I was part of a joint family. Slowly, I started to feel some difficulties in adjustment. But I was still happy, I just wished for some cooperation and attention from my partner, specially considering we were newly married.
But within a short period of time, the problems with adjustment between me and my husband and my in-laws, became worse. My husband wanted a perfect ‘bahu’, and even though I was trying to mentally get ready for that, I just wanted my husband’s love, care, and attention. My husband was the center of my world, but my life was moving in a different direction. I left my job after marriage as there was too much mental pressure from family and office. I can’t say it was all my husband’s fault, it was mutual. But despite all the fights and differences, I chose my husband. My husband, on the other hand, chose separation. Without my knowledge, he filed for separation, on the first birthday of mine that we were supposed to celebrate together as a married couple. He left me alone at our rented apartment.
I came back to my parents’ home. That day, as my family discussed our issues, I just waited for a phone call from my husband to wish me on my birthday. I won’t say that I am good, but I can never do the same to him. Somehow, my family convinced him to come back to me. We started living together after 15 days but nothing was the same. He used to record my voice, our fights, our calls, our messages.
One night, I was shocked out of my senses when I saw separation papers in his bag. My messages were evidence. I did not like sharing my personal life with anyone, and he shared it with everyone. I used to be a woman who lived life on my own terms, but suddenly I had become just my husband’s wife. But he was not mine. He was always a good son, a great brother, but what about being a husband? He left me again after three months. My life had taken a U-turn. Even though I had all my family members with me for support, I felt so alone. My world, my husband, was not with me. Within 9 months of marriage, we had turned from newly married, to separated. Now only legal matters were our topics of discussion. We both filed cases against each other. I was shattered, I was completely depressed.
I had not wished for money or a luxurious life, I just wanted a loving, caring husband. I was never a good cook, but I really tried hard to cook for him. I asked him to adjust sometimes. I tried accepting and adjusting to everything, but everybody takes time in a new family. I was married to their son, but I felt that nobody took pains to make me feel comfortable, to help adjust to the new environment and surroundings. From getting up early, dressing up from head to toe, helping in the kitchen, nothing pleased to the family. Was it my in-laws’ responsibility to make me feel comfortable or his? I might have been wrong at many places, as I was new to their family, but my intention was never to do anything wrong against them.
It takes a lot of pain to leave your house, but an immense pain to come back to your house, separated. Life became tough for me as I used to hide myself from society. Suddenly, I stopped talking to everyone, including my family. I was only interested in talking to him. I was still thinking that he would realize his mistakes and come back to me. I thought, maybe I was not able to understand my faults? Even though I apologized several times, even my family, without being at fault, apologized, my husband and his family did not budge from their decision. I still wonder why he married me when this is what he wanted.
The journey from being married to being separated is always a mental torture. I separated at the age when most of my friends were not even engaged. I was a divorcee, a term that I found extremely regressive and judgmental because of the stigma attached to it. I knew now that my life would not be easy. Sometimes, families find it shameful to update the society on the newly acquired marital status of their children/siblings. It was painful for me to meet relatives at social gatherings. They ended up asking, “Where is your husband?”, “Why don’t you put sindoor?”. I was already going through my own pain and society loved to add salt to the wounds. I had to put on a brave face and deal with it but talking to some people always triggered negativity and hopelessness. It’s really shameful to say, women gossip around about other women, which is sad. The stress from all these issues had an impact on my health and appearance. I used to hate to see myself in the mirror. I hardly came out for the first year. But somehow, with the help of my family, I regained my physical and mental strength.
Some-Days and Some-People did pinch but I moved on. I had discovered that unless I stopped pitying myself, the society would not. Once I started accepting and respecting me and my choices, the universe accepted and cooperated as well. I still wonder what my future holds, but I am independent, living for myself, I got an MBA, have a good job and eventually will have a good man, but I don’t live with that hope. Now I am an HR Manager working with an MNC in Gurgaon. I am also pursuing my Ph.D., I want to become a professor. I have dreams, I want to do something good for the society. After this pain and struggle, I feel like I have become a strong, independent and mature woman. Even after one heart break marriage, I still feel marriage is a beautiful thing, a beautiful bond between a man and a woman. But I would advise people to think a thousand times before getting married, as in this one decision, not only you and your partner, but many other people are involved too.
Also, Men and Women are equal. We both have equal emotions. Respect each other.”
Submitted By – Neha Sharma
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