My Story: I Knew There Was No One To Hear Me, So I Thought Everyday “I Don’t Deserve To Live”
January 13th, 2017
“Every now and then we face tough situations. Irrespective of what the cause of our stress is, we all go through issues we think can’t be dealt with. When the doors of happiness close and you don’t see that light to give you tiny bit of smile or make you feel less anxious, when your heart breaks and loneliness finds a way, when someone close in your family dies, when everything in your life goes wrong and you just cannot find anyone who would understand the intensity of your sorrow, you feel life will no longer get better. That’s when you don’t quit, you change.
I remember, being in the toughest spot once. Personal problems not just took a toll on my academics but my individuality as well. Life which once seemed a little boring but good, now seemed lonely and everything I believed in just was wrong. I felt hated, I felt bullied; I even stopped talking to the people who were once close to me. Slowly but gradually loneliness became my only friend and movies on my laptop helped me clear my head. The only view I remember in those two months was my ceiling fan, those were the toughest days of my life. Depression was growing and all I could see was darkness, due to my gradual moodiness people avoided me and I became more and more lonely.
My college time would go with me being angry and irritated most of the time and by the time I would reach home I’d be crying. I knew there was no one to hear me, no one near me, my family was away and my friends thought I was crazy. Yes, in a way I think I was going crazy. So I lay down on the bed and thought everyday “I don’t deserve to live”. These were the words that would echo in my head all the time, and as I looked at the fan that echo would grow even stronger. It was tough to see through things and, I ate less and less every day.
I think if it weren’t for my will to live I wouldn’t have survived. I knew I wasn’t going to live like this anymore; I knew I had to do something but I just couldn’t find a way. I googled, “How to be happy”, I know it was stupid but you know it actually helped, so I went through every page and developed a keen interest in reading.
I had to distract myself somehow and I started reading books on history, biographies and everything that could help me find a way. Once I was ready, I started walking up to people to talk, and I started making friends again, I could see myself smiling again. This change was gradual. It took time, and it took people who I was willing to approach. They didn’t come to me I went up to them, and that helped me in interacting more and more with the people around me. It isn’t easy as it sounds. It took a long time to cope with my problems, but because I willed it, I did it.
I am now living a happy life, yes the tough days are there too but I have learnt that nothing is permanent and if you know how to laugh at your problems, life will become better and problems will become smaller. It’s about the perspective and the will. All you need is to choose life over death, choose smile over stress.
If you feel you are alone, if you feel you have no one, believe me someone is there. That someone is you, you have been given a life and you deserve to live it to your best. You can either cry or learn to cope up, that’s your choice but giving up is not. I do not say this because it’s easy to say I have faced and I have moved way ahead of it, so I know you will too. I believe in you because even though I might not know you, but if you are reading this I know you are willing to fight through this and I know you will get past it. Keep fighting and live, you deserve to live. You are strong and you shouldn’t give up, fight and achieve. Don’t let circumstances define your destiny, make and mold your future. There is no other writer for your life but you, so get up and walk. Walk till you find your way and I know you will because I believe in you.”
For those who wish to give up on life, don’t! You can do better, you can change your life.
Submitted By – Jesinta Rozario
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