As a woman founder of a legal firm(Ungender) that educates and advises organisations on workplace ethics and gender rights, one of the commonest irritants I encounter is the comments that follow my formal introduction to people. It all goes well till the time my profession comes up. It’s sort of a litmus test for men based on their reaction.

I am a workplace sexual harassment prevention advisor. I advise other companies and their members on the instances of workplace behaviour. While many people may not know the details of this work, thankfully #MeToo made this topic relevant for every working person — millions of them on social media around the world. Conversations around my profile is a joke for many. Statements such as, ‘we should watch what we say in front of you, else you will file a sexual harassment case,’ or ‘hope you never meet any woman of my team, or they will become feminists,’ or ‘if we ask you something will it be labelled under #metoo’ are generally followed by laughter and sheepish mumbling.

This is not an individual experience. Several women around me, before me, have not been laughing at jokes that are generally funny for men. And for those women who joined in this dehumanising process of diminishing a woman’s self-worth, the laughter was almost always forced. If you are our boss or client, we laughed because we felt compelled to. If you are related to us, we pandered to your ego to keep the peace. If you are a stranger that we met in a networking event or a gathering, we don’t know you enough to invest in your intellectual development.

But, at some point in time, we all snapped. The power dynamics did not bother us anymore. We all have taken up the emotional labour from time to time to educate men on the rules of respectable conduct when speaking of women and women’s lived experiences. As a woman, if you are still struggling on how to address such behaviour, take cues from here to navigate your way through these sexist conversations. For men, please keep reading.

Jokes on #metoo are not funny

Every time you laugh directly, indirectly, or suppress a smirk at the mention of #MeToo, it is an insult to millions of women who have shared painful stories of sexual violence because due process and the power and peer play of gender dynamics at home and workplaces let them down. This power imbalance has prevented women from becoming independent, reaching their full potential, getting out of abusive and oppressive circumstances, taking up the responsibilities of their parents and families. You have not experienced the extent of workplace sexual harassment because your understanding of what it feels for women to be objectified is limited to mostly social media platforms – a narrative set by your male friends. And when women speak of being harassed, you, more often than not, choose to believe the fractional reality of a small percentage of women who file false or malicious complaints. It gives you the excuse to ignore the majority trend, data, facts and historical context.

While you treat the growing issue of gender violence as a joke, you never asked us, women, to educate you. Instead, it is deemed as the perfect opportunity to use gender stereotypes and call women ‘over sensitive’, ‘opportunist’ and ‘confused’. The jokes on violence and women were never funny, and will never be. And we do suggest a detailed reading of data presented in the National Crime Records Bureau or on any of the United Nations’ websites.

Marriage jokes will never be funny

Over the past 35 years, I have carefully curated and built relationships with a world of men who are respectful of women, men I am proud of knowing. But they convert. And somehow, marriage and relationships seem to inject a dose of sexism into their vocabulary. The references of now their home being a ‘jail’, and partner being a ‘jailor/Hitler’ suddenly find spaces in their conversations. This is the ridiculous equivalent of feminist women being compared to the Nazi, genocidal dictator at the workplace.

The chain of humour extends further to the sympathy for a ‘bro’ who does not want to go home to a partner who is calling him to check his whereabouts. The emotion of care here is replaced by the word ‘nagging’. Additional references of weekend activities of shopping, or receiving a list of things to procure from the market, being told to participate in family activities, are all considered a sign of enslaved life – a connotation that men generally find very humorous to talk about. While several men find these conversations fun, it is difficult for women to find space in these rooms with you.

The growing paunch that your friend has is not a sign of stress and the fact that his wife is not working does not mean she is resting at home while he slogs at the office. On that note, how’s the work from home working out for you during the lockdown? Does it give you a measure of the amount of unpaid labour women put in every day seemingly by being ‘just housewives?’ And if a …