“Let me tell you something about suicide. Nobody wants to do it. EVER. It’s as scary as hell. It’s really hard to try and describe what it feels like to be suicidal to someone who has never been there. It’s like you are deep in the depths of darkness, sadness, hopelessness and loneliness. Your entire world suddenly becomes an enormous vacuum of nothingness that turns everything of worth & value in your life in it. Life feels muted, nothing feels like an accomplishment anymore. You feel trapped.
I want to share my date with suicidal thoughts and the great escape. I want to share this not because I feel like bragging that I made it to the other side of suicide, but because I lost a friend yesterday who committed suicide. She was a sweet soul, talented, with a bright future, loved at her work places (previous and current), and loved by every human being she possibly met while she was with us. And, that I am so sorry, I wasn’t there for her when she needed someone the most. And I wanted to share my story because I have come to realize that if I don’t have the courage to speak up and talk about it, then how can I expect others to do the same. I am sharing this with purest intent that it may just help someone who goes through this devastating and destructive darkness. God forbid, this ever happens though.
Once upon a time, not very long ago. An evening of October 2016, I find out that the guy I was pursuing, has been lying to me all this while. The guy with whom I opened up about all my previous heart breaks, and how I had lost faith in love and how I am now so scared to try again. The guy who told me that the worst is over and we are now headed to greener pastures.
That moment of truth when I discovered that I was a living a lie, I froze. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My brain didn’t function; my emotions were wrecked; and even my body felt weird. I was numb, and I barely felt alive. I confronted him and asked just one question “Why?” Why would you do this” Why..just why? I cried my heart out that night and the next and the next and my pillow was my only confidant. I couldn’t talk about this to anyone. Family, Friends, Colleagues that at 33 I am a total failure at my attempt to find love – again, That I am a total loser at relationships – again. Getting out of bed was a struggle next morning and the next and the next. I could not come out of it. The pain was so intense that I felt my heart being clenched and recurring contraction in my chest every time the feeling hit. It felt like a physical pain. My chest and abdomen hurt. It wasn’t that I loved the guy dearly. It was the lost hope, the broken and shaken faith. It wasn’t also that I had never been heartbroken before or I haven’t seen adversity in life. I have been strong all along – keeping myself together. Optimistic to the core. But I guess, this was the final blow that just shattered my spirit and all the past blows and cracks fell apart.
It was at my darkest hour that I started to feel suicidal. The instinct was so strong that It made me believe that death is the only way to release myself from this pain. I guess it started showing on my face as a few close colleagues started asking if I was okay. And as bubbly as I am, my response used to be full of enthusiasm followed by visits to the washroom to cry. I started to find excuses to not go home because I would be alone and I was afraid that I meet feel suicidal again. Yes, I was afraid of killing myself and yet felt suicidal.
The first night I felt suicidal, it was 2 am. I headed to the kitchen, looked at the knives and did the walk of shame back to my room. I scrolled down the list of 300 contacts on my phone, 700 friends on facebook to find that one person I can talk to and cry. I decided to call my brother as I knew he was the only one who wouldn’t judge me and understand me. He didn’t answer as he works night shifts and his mobile was probably in the locker. I somehow survived the night. Next morning at work, I received a box of chocolates from a client who was happy with my work. I didn’t feel a thing in my body. I couldn’t feel the happiness. I was numb. My life’s last leaf just fell too, my work – my passion for my job – just vanished.
The second night again, the instinct to give up on life found its way. I kept crying – buried my face on the pillow just so I am not loud to scare the neighbors. I just kept thinking about ways that I could kill myself. I thought about overdosing, jumping off the terrace, or cutting my wrist and googled – “painless (yes, I didn’t want to do it like I said) ways to kill yourself” I then googled suicide helpline numbers. None of the numbers in India worked – no one answered. As desperate as I was, I also called a US suicide helpline but it didn’t go through as I was calling from India. I just wanted to talk to someone – who would UNDERSTAND and not call me stupid, or selfish or silly or “think about your parents” or “over a guy, really?”, “Coward”. As if I already…
