Why Women Are Expected To Completely Reform The Man They Marry? This Woman Addresses It Brilliantly
April 24th, 2018
Image Credits: Jaseena Backer/FB
Patriarchy is deeply etched in our minds, we as a society have always had unrealistic expectations for our women whereas, most of the times men get away with everything. Well because “men will be men.”
Not only are the women expected to have goddess-like beauty, be submissive, selfless to a fault, but they are also expected to completely reform the man they marry and are often blamed if anything wrong happens in their “marital paradise”
Although, we have come a long way in terms of equality, we still need to put in a lot of work in this area.
Jaseen Backer, a parenting strategist and psychologist from Kerala, through her Facebook post which has now gone viral quotes a conversation between her and her domestic help and sends a message to all of us loud and clear that “women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men”
“My son drinks. My daughter-in-law is no good. She isn’t able to stop him nor keep a control” my domestic help was complaining to me.
“Only if the woman who comes home to be a wife is good will the husband turn out to be good,” she judgmentalism.
You have to be a good woman, respectful, because one day you will be someone’s wife, you will have to learn family morals… what it is to be a good woman????
“She has been married to him for 8 years and I wonder what the hell she has been doing all these years of marriage? She lamented.
“What were you doing for 28 years?” I asked her
“Means?” she questioned.
“Your son has been with you 28 years before marriage and what were you doing then to correct him?” I asked her.
“I am the mother I have limitations and he wont listen to me. She is a wife she should control him,” she said.
“What you couldn’t do for son in 28 years you expect her to do in 8 years?” I asked her.
“Men are like raw mangoes. The wife can be good and let the mango ripen, and if the wife is bad then she will rotten the mango,” was her organic explanation.
“Did you tell your daughter-in-law before marriage that your son was a drunkard,” I asked her.
“No, I got him married thinking the wife will fix it all,” she told me blatantly.
There are so many things I find problematic with statements like the above one. It’s strenuous; we have to keep repeating the same things. The problem is not becoming a wife; it is setting the standard to become a wife rather than her own individual first. It’s suppressive and regressive.
“So she can actually sue you for selling her a rotten mango,” I couldn’t contain my laughter.
The India society has spent centuries grooming girls to be future good wives( sanskaari bahu), yet failing to produce good husbands who deserve them. This makes girls grow up to feel they have to cater to childish juvenile behaviour in their marriages.
In this patriarchal society we live in, there is a notion that, “girls are more mature than boys at a particular given age,” and that is one monumental social constructs. Girls aren’t more mature than boys their age mentally. Therefore wives are not officially teachers, mentors or coaches for their husbands.
Indian society has just given one gender the freedom to be careless, carefree, and disorganized. While the other to conform to the poised and acceptable behaviour expected of a good wife.
Instead of directing all the energy to teaching girls how to be “good wives”, 50% of it need to be directed toward boys. In the similar fashion some of the energy directed towards teaching boys how to pave their own way should also be directed toward girls. An apt balance of gender in parenting.
No uncles and grandfathers will have a talk to a man before marriage on being a good husbands. While too many women are left to think their self worth is dependent on their ability to cater to a man.
Here is something for you women- don’t fall into the trap that you have to correct the man all the time. Men do not like to me mothered by their wives.. They have one mother which is more than enough for them.
However, the coming generation of husband and wife will usher in some changes as the world is evolving for the better.
We as the next generation of parents ought to raise all children to be accountable, responsible and well behaved irrespective of gender. No one should be given a special benefit of any gender.
When the society blames everything (parenting/ divorces etc) that goes wrong in a marriage on women or feminism, what they actually try to reinstate is that the world cannot function well because the modern woman refuses to bow down to suffer.
That’s the fact….. and we are getting there
Women, you are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men.
It is NOT your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him.
You want a partner, not a project.